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How to Approach Divorce:  Six Steps Towards the Life You Want

People often ask us how to approach divorce. How you start matters. 

Most people do not realize how much joy is waiting for them on the other side of divorce. That is true even when the decision was not yours to make. After all, the question is not whether a good life is possible; it is, "How do I get there from here?"

The way you approach your divorce at the outset will shape how everything that follows unfolds. You do not have to wait until every step is finished before getting on with things. You can start building your new life right now, at the same time as you work through the legal process.

You do not have to choose between getting through your divorce and getting on with your life. Both happen at the same time, and that is exactly the point.

Here are six steps to approach your divorce in a way that protects your resources, your family, and your future.


Step 1:  Start with the first conversation

Pencil drawing of BET-te, Pathway Legal’s Ambassador. BET-te is a long-haired dog with wavy fur and a calm, expressive face.

If you are the one ending the relationship, the first conversation sets the tone for everything that follows. It will shape how your legal process unfolds and, if you have children, how your co-parenting relationship develops.

This is not the moment to reiterate whose fault it is. It is not the time to escalate. You might have already had all of these conversations many times over in your head.

What this conversation can do is establish collaboration as the foundation. Make it clear that you want to separate, and that you want to do it as peacefully as possible. That single intention, stated clearly to your soon to be ex-spouse at the start, can change the entire trajectory of your matter.

You do not have to choose between getting through your divorce and getting on with your life. Both happen at the same time, and that is exactly the point.

Step 2:  Get initial legal advice early

Pencil drawing of BET-te, Pathway Legal’s Ambassador. BET-te is a long-haired dog with wavy fur and a calm, expressive face.

You do not have to retain a lawyer on day one, but you do want to understand your legal rights and responsibilities before you negotiate anything. It's worth that one-hour meeting.

In British Columbia, family property law means that any growth in the value of assets during your relationship is generally shared equally. Inheritances are typically excluded, at least in their original value. These are the kinds of things you want to know before you make any commitments at the kitchen table.

Know what you are working with. Then negotiate from a place of clarity, not guesswork.

You do not have to retain a lawyer on day one, but you do want to understand your legal rights and responsibilities before you negotiate anything. 

STEP 3:  Talk to your kids, the right way

4kids

Parents carry enormous guilt around divorce. The worry about the impact on their children is real. That is understandable. Here is what the research and our experience both show: children are remarkably resilient when their parents let them be.

The effects of divorce on your children depend far less on the fact of the divorce than on how you and your co-parent handle what comes next. The question to sit with is this: how peacefully are you prepared to co-parent?

How you tell your kids, and how you both show up afterward, matters more than almost anything else in this process, at least as far as your littles are concerned.

STEP 4

Learn what processes are available to you

The legal process does not have to break you or the bank. There are several ways to reach a legally binding final separation agreement without going to court. Understanding your options puts you in control of how your matter gets resolved.

The main dispute resolution processes available in BC include:

•  Negotiating directly with your spouse

•  Four-way meetings with both lawyers present

•  Mediation

•  Mediation/arbitration

•  Collaborative family law

•  Settlement conference with a judge

Each process suits different circumstances. A family lawyer can help you figure out which one fits yours.

STEP 5

Focus on your health and healing

This step is about you. Your health, your healing, and your future. The legal process is only one part of what is happening in your life right now. What you do for yourself during this time matters enormously for where you land on the other side.

Our clients have found many different paths helpful. Some of what they have shared with us includes:

•  EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

•  Counselling

•  Tapping (EFT)

•  Coaching

•  Ho'oponopono (a very powerful forgiveness practice)

•  Faith and spiritual practice

•  A Course in Miracles

What resonates will be personal to you. The great news is that you do not have to wait for the legal process to finish before you start growing, healing, and building the life you want.

STEP 6

Choose your dispute resolution process and get your agreement

Once you understand what is available, the next step is to decide, ideally together with your spouse, which dispute resolution process best suits your circumstances. Then prepare for it, attend it, and work toward your final agreement.

A clear, legally binding final separation agreement is the goal. It gives both of you certainty, closure, and the ability to move forward. And yes, it happens in the vast majority of cases when people commit to resolution over conflict.

Wherever you are in this process, you are not alone. At Pathway Legal, we work with families across British Columbia who want to get through this with as much dignity, clarity, and efficiency as possible. That is what we are here for.