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The Effects of Divorce on Children,
Good or Bad? It's up to You.

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Parents often ask about the effects of divorce on children. Before getting divorced, many parents ask themselves if they should stay together for the sake of their children. I like to ask the question in a different way. How will it affect your kids if you don’t end your relationship?

I am sure you are like most parents. You want your kids to live happy, healthy lives with financial abundance and successful relationships. Of course, you do. 


What will be the effect of you not Getting Divorced on your children?

The first question to ask is what will be the effect of you not getting divorced on your children? As children, we are keen observers of the adults who care for us. We learn how we communicate, what triggers us, our values, and our habits, all through the homes in which we were raised. What kind of home were you raised in? What did the home you grew up in teach you about how to treat people close to you? How were you taught to deal with conflict? What did the adults do with their spare time?

For example, I was raised in a home where my Mom joked around a lot and had huge amounts of energy. She was boisterous and very fun. It seemed as if she was always doing something. Although she loved to watch her soap operas, she would watch them while standing in the living room, a dishcloth in hand, as she moved from room to room endlessly cooking, cleaning, and parenting her kids and grandkids. It is not surprising that I am very similar. I am very similar, even though I was adopted and not at all biologically related to the people in the home in which I was raised. Let’s just say if I am not sleeping, I am pretty much always doing something. I compare this to my former mother-in-law, who never seemed to do much of anything. She would put her feet up at all family gatherings as the rest of us moved around her, preparing family meals. I found her behaviour shocking because it seemed so weird compared to my Mom, Aunties, and sisters. Yes, I judged her because sitting around like that goes against my values.

I also had the great gift of being raised by parents who loved not only me, but also the rest of their kids, and each other. They genuinely loved each other, it was evident in how they spoke to each other, had discussions and shared experiences. They stayed married for 49 years until my Dad passed on. I learned how to behave in relationships because of how my parents treated each other.

Sadly, I could not give my daughter the gift of growing up similarly. My husband became abusive and my daughter saw his contemptuous treatment of me on a daily basis. Although I finally ended my marriage, I raised my daughter in a home where she saw it as “normal” that her hard-working and loving mother was treated with contempt and disrespect by her Dad. Her dad and I modelled “normal” behaviour that was not in our daughter’s best interest. It is not in her best interest regarding the life and future I want her to have. I think (and worry) about how that will impact her future relationships. 

Our greatest classroom and teacher of life is our experiences while growing up. Our families teach us how to treat people in relationships. They teach us what to expect for ourselves. They teach us what to expect in a home environment. Our families are the models for who we become as adults and parents. 

So, let me ask you this. What will that teach your kids if you stay in a miserable or toxic relationship? What kind of home life will they expect to have?  What kind of family or love relationship will your kids have if all they know is living in a home where the parents did not want to be with one another?

Now that we are separated, my former husband and I each model more respectful and healthy behaviours not only within our respective homes but to each other when we come in contact. My former husband, I, and our daughter are all much happier and better off. 

Determining when to end an unhappy relationship is yours to make; however, when making that decision, think of your children’s best chance for exactly what you want for them, a successful future.

The effect of divorce on your children depends on you

The key factor regarding the effect of divorce on your children is how you and your child’s other parent conduct yourselves after separating and getting divorced. How your kids experience the effect of your divorce is tied to you and the other parent’s behaviour.

The effect of divorce on your children will likely be positive if you co-parent peacefully with the other parent

The most profound effect of divorce on your children relates to how you parent after separating and getting divorced. After the initial separation phase, most of the time, kids can settle down into their new routine and life. However, when parents remain at war, regardless of whether that war happens in front of the children, kids feel it and know it. You want to do everything possible not to continue any of the toxicity in your co-parenting relationship. 

If the other parent insists on being high-conflict, take the time to learn strategies to protect your children from the significant damage this can cause. You can utilize great strategies for peaceful and effective communication to reduce conflict. Learn how to communicate and co-parent peacefully. It is up to you to ensure that your kids get the childhood they deserve. 

The Effect of Divorce on Your Children will be tremendously negative if you place them in the middle of parenting disputes

I recall a case where I was involved where the parents (who ultimately went to court for a 19-day trial) remained in high conflict despite their separation. These parents are the gold standard for what NOT to do. They not only remained high-conflict with one another but embroiled their children in their ongoing dispute. Their six-year-old son knew the name of the parenting coordinator, and regularly parroted his mother’s views to his counsellor. 

The child, I will call him Daniel, began acting out in his class, with inappropriate attention-seeking misbehaviour, was unable to concentrate on his school work, and frequently sobbed in class. Despite his being in distress and his parents being well aware of it, their conflict continued unabated. They lost sight of what was important for their child and continued to damage his well-being continuously. This is what the parenting coordinator stated in one of her reports (I have changed the names and some details to protect confidentiality):

This is a high-conflict matter and there is no improvement in the level of conflict. It is my opinion that both parties are so engrossed in conflict and “winning” (from their perspective) that there is no evidence of a positive co-parenting relationship in relation to any issue. The parties have many complaints about each other in relation to parenting – and the list continues to grow. Their children are caught in the middle of the parental conflict. 

The counsellor at Daniel’s school contacted me in relation to his distress.  She reported his misbehaviour and added that she was concerned that Daniel was being questioned about safety at Dad’s home inappropriately. She stated that she learned that Mom advised that Daniel is not safe at Dad’s home.  The teacher then quizzed Daniel regarding his safety with his father when Daniel was crying.  Daniel denied safety issues with his father. The school counsellor believed Daniel was in the middle of a high-conflict parenting arrangement and noted that his responses were prefaced by “my mom says.”   

Research shows that when children are raised in high-conflict circumstances, they have a high likelihood of mental health challenges, challenges with their academic performance, challenges with addiction, inappropriate risk-taking behaviours, and other behavioural problems. Little Daniel does not have a chance of growing into an emotionally mature, healthy adult. The tragic part is that his parents are so busy blaming each other, that they refuse to see how their ongoing conflict is hurting their children.

Although I am no longer involved with this family, I do not doubt that the effects of divorce on these children will be ongoing. I know that at the time of writing this article, the parties continue to litigate with no end in sight. 

The Effects of Divorce on Your Children Depends Upon You

You know that saying “it takes two to tango?” People assume that if you are embroiled in a high-conflict parenting relationship that you must have something to do with it. That is not always the case. 

Don’t hesitate. Contact us today to find out how we can help you!