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How to Get a Friendly Divorce in BC?

Is a friendly divorce an oxymoron? Some would say so; however, just because you are thinking about getting a divorce, it does not mean it can’t be a friendly divorce or amicable process to get you there. A friendly divorce is also known as an amicable divorce. In short, it is a way of getting to a final and binding separation agreement without darkening the courtroom door. A friendly divorce avoids the need for a legal battle. At Pathway Legal we talk about friendly divorce options available in British Columbia as ones that avoid the courtroom.

One of our clients from Abbotsford, British Columbia was shocked when she discovered that what she thought would be a high-conflict nightmare for her and her family turned out to be a friendly divorce because she and her husband each engaged with the mediation process with the help of their lawyers. A lot of misunderstandings were cleared up and the parties avoided litigation and reached a fair and legally binding settlement agreement. 

Quick Links

1. Pitfalls of Not Getting a Friendly Divorce

2. 10 Ways to Improve The Chances of a Friendly Divorce

3. Avoiding Court

4. Your Divorce and Legal Separation

5. Collaborative Family Law

6. Court Order and Agreement Modifications

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A friendly divorce also lets you start rebuilding your life after divorce much sooner than if you chose litigation versus mediation and other dispute resolution methods.

Jump to see The 10 Ways to Increase the Likelihood of Getting a Friendly Divorce in British Columbia.

When you commit to a friendly divorce process in British Columbia, you have many methods available called (alternative) dispute resolution. Here are just a few dispute resolution methodologies we use at Pathway Legal: 

  • Mediation
  • Four-way meetings 
  • Negotiation between lawyers
  • Mediation/arbitration
  • Mediation and then arbitration 
  • Collaborative family law.

Because we are lawyers that focus specifically on family law matters, we know first-hand that when people seek our assistance, it is because they are going through a divorce. If their families were highly functional, they wouldn’t be looking for a divorce lawyer in the first place. Now that they are getting a divorce, avoiding high conflict and court is essential whenever possible. There are oodles of reasons for this. Divorcing without court, that is getting all matters settled and resolved without being dragged through the court system is good for you, and good for your children.

Unfortunately, separating parties are sometimes unwittingly dragged through an expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally traumatizing court process that can easily be avoided. Don’t let this happen to your family if you can avoid it. The Pathway Legal lawyers who practice in Victoria, B.C., notice that it is always, and we mean always, the same lawyers who drag their clients through the court system over and over again. So, even if you are in another jurisdiction, such as Chilliwack, B.C. or Ladner, B.C. your area will likely also have this kind of lawyer.

You want to avoid the many negative things that can occur to you and your entire family. This is particularly the case if you are divorcing with children. Families do not belong in courtrooms.

At the end of this article, we will tell you some ways you can achieve a friendly divorce, but first, let’s explore the downside. Avoiding a high-conflict divorce process and obtaining an amicable and friendly divorce whenever possible while avoiding many pitfalls. What are those pitfalls?

Video: Reduce conflict with a friendly divorce

What are the 10 Best Ways to Increase the Likelihood of Getting a Friendly Divorce in BC?

Before examining the 10 ways to increase the likelihood of getting a friendly divorce in British Columbia, let's look at the pitfalls of NOT having an amicable divorce! There is a significant downside.

What are the Pitfalls of NOT Getting a Friendly Divorce - Yes! You Can Avoid These Pitfalls!

1. it is expensive 

A high-conflict divorce can and usually does get very expensive. In our experience, resolving the legal aspects of your family law matter using friendly divorce methods such as mediation costs a fraction of what people pay to drag matters through the court system. This is not only a worldwide, country-wide, and province-wide problem. Whether you live in Nelson, B.C., Surrey, or North Vancouver, the cost of court will be significantly higher than if you use a dispute resolution method such as mediation. 

2. it is  Stressful

A friendly divorce avoids overwhelming emotional stress and turmoil. Getting divorced is hard enough. You don’t need to add easily avoidable legal battles to the mix. Make sure you hire a lawyer that values friendly divorce methods. It is no coincidence that it is always the same divorce lawyers who repeatedly drag their clients through courtrooms. At Pathway Legal, we use the court system as a last resort and do everything possible to avoid the stress of a high-conflict divorce. 

3. your relationship will never Recover

If you remember this fact:  you are still a family, and even though your family looks much different than you expected when you first fell in love, you are more likely to get through the entire legal process while still maintaining respect, and even compassion for your ex-spouse. A friendly divorce allows you to be a family still. When families end up in courtrooms, they throw the worst of everything at each other, and those relationships never recover. 

4. It takes way too much time

Once they have decided to get a divorce, most people want to get through the process and start building a new life for themselves. Why wait right? Well, the problem with not getting a friendly divorce is that it takes time, a long time, to see your matter resolved. In our experience, when we utilize dispute resolution strategies available for a friendly divorce in British Columbia, we can get to a final legally binding agreement anywhere from two to six months after being hired. Whenever the court system becomes involved, sometimes, those months become years. Wouldn’t you rather just get on with your life? Most people do. 

5. Your kids will be Impacted

If you have kids, they will be impacted if you do not get a friendly divorce. Even if you and your ex-spouse do everything possible to shield them from the ugliness of court, if there are court proceedings, they will know about it in some way. Even if they are not specifically aware that a court case is happening, they will pick up on the stress, frustration, and even financial concerns you have because you are engaged in a court process. 

6. It affects your other Important Relationships

The turmoil associated with not getting a friendly divorce impacts your kids and you, and court proceedings will also likely have significant consequences for your other relationships. When going through stressful times, we will seek the support of friends and family. Although friends and family are often happy to assist us in times of need, it can be exhausting and stressful for them too. Friends and family can become “fed up” with lengthy and tumultuous litigation almost just as much as the parties themselves. 

7. It is not Private and Confidential

If you didn’t want your “dirty laundry” aired for everyone to see and know about, court proceedings are public. Absolutely anyone can walk into your court proceedings and learn about some of the most intimate details of your personal life. When you utilize a methodology for a friendly divorce in British Columbia, you get to keep your negotiations and settlements confidential between you, your ex-spouse and your lawyers. Nobody gets to dig into your personal life without your consent. 

8. It will impact your Reputation

Regardless of whether or not you are in the “right,” court proceedings impact your reputation. Think of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Even though our dear Johnny “won”, his reputation has been tarnished by that very famous court battle. Although your court battle will likely not be so public, famous, or dramatic, people gossip, and your reputation will likely be affected. This is particularly the case if you live in a smaller community such as Nelson, B.C. or Castlegar, B.C. 

9. It will increase the chance of ongoing Conflict

Just because court is over, does not mean the conflict will end. If you have gone to court against your ex-spouse, it will be a knock ‘em down and drag ‘em out-type situation, at least to a certain degree. Once people have had that kind of fight, it is unlikely that they will ever get along in future. This is particularly a problem if you have kids. If you've had a big court battle, will both of you be able to attend your children’s school concerts, sports events, soccer practices, and weddings? 

10. You have no control over any of the outcomes or the process to get there

When you use dispute resolution to resolve your matter, you have much more control over how long the process takes, how much the process will cost, how much stress it causes you, and whether or not you and your ex-spouse will have a relatively positive future relationship.

So, now you know about the benefits of obtaining an amicable divorce in British Columbia. How do you go about making sure a friendly divorce is yours?

What are the Top 10 Ways to Increase the Likelihood of Getting a Friendly Divorce in BC?

1. If you hire a lawyer, hire one with dispute resolution training and who is committed to avoiding court whenever possible

As we write this, we have a very high-conflict case. Unfortunately, the other party, we will call her Martha, hired a lawyer that is not well versed or trained in dispute resolution. Martha happens to have a borderline personality disorder. To say she is difficult to love is an understatement. Martha has put up a fight every step of the way and even the most simple of things, such as dividing personal possessions has become profoundly difficult. Her ex-spouse, we will call him Jason, has been frustrated beyond belief that the mediation/arbitration process has been moving so slowly. 

These are just some of the things Martha has done in the past number of months (and yes, there has been police involvement):

  • She has tampered with the locks to Jason’s home, including putting glue in his outside gate lock. 
  • She has had Jason falsely arrested when she called the police to say he was in a stolen car (not true) and was drinking and driving (also not true). 
  • She accosted Jason and his new girlfriend in a supermarket parking lot (yes, it appears that Jason might have moved on much too quickly). 
  • She, unbeknownst to Jason, installed a tracking device on Jason’s vehicle thus showing up everywhere he was. He finally figured it out and removed the tracking device. 
  • She went into Jason’s house uninvited when he was not home and stole his computer hard drive and other important personal documents. 
  • She has attempted to influence property appraisers as to property values and then lied about it to the arbitrator. 
  • Has accused Jason of family violence when it is she who repeatedly smacked Jason, kicked doors in when he tried to get away from her and threw things at him. 

Because Martha is dramatic, difficult, has wild mood swings, and blames Jason for all of her problems while refusing to settle even the simplest of issues, her first lawyer withdrew from the case. 

She hired another lawyer and unfortunately for Jason, the new lawyer combined with Martha’s personality disorder has only increased the conflict. The new lawyer clearly does not have any meaningful dispute resolution training. As a result, most of his cases end up in trial or arbitration. He is one of those lawyers in Victoria, B.C. that we always see doing trials at our courthouse. Martha’s new lawyer is combative and embroiled in Martha’s narrative. It is challenging to move the case forward because of Martha’s new lawyer’s court schedule as well. 

Martha does not appreciate that the kind of lawyer she hired is not the kind of lawyer that will bring her case closer to resolution. There is no such thing as a friendly divorce in this circumstance.

2. Be communicative and cooperative with your ex-spouse

(Or, if you are too sad and angry to be communicative and cooperative just yet, get your lawyer to be communicative and cooperative instead.)

When we say be communicative, we are not saying be communicative the way Martha has been with Jason. She repeatedly texts him, emails him, and shows up at his home uninvited. When she communicates, she throws many insults and Jason and swears at him. Jason is in the process of obtaining a restraining order. One of our clients in Vancouver, B.C. has learned how to communicate in a way that is less combative with their ex-spouse and this has helped move their case closer towards resoluvion. 

To accomplish a friendly divorce, you want to ensure your communications are helpful, cooperative, and not combative. 

3. Have the willingness to compromise

Court battles are often avoided if you are able to “give” a little. Most often, what you have to “give” is nothing compared to the outrageous cost of court.

Martha is not able to compromise at all. Jason can be stubborn too, so these parties have spent more on the fight with each other than they will ever see from one another’s assets. 

4. Remember you are still a “family”

Your family just looks way different than you expected it to compared to when you first fell in love. One of our clients from Burnaby, B.C. shared with us that no matter how difficult matters got with her ex-spouse, that she has always recognized and appreciated that he is the father of her child, and has made up half of who he is. So, even though their relationship did not work out in her relationship with her child's father, she still recognizes their family unit as a "family."

5. Expect there to be some bumps along the road

The process can still be challenging even if you are pursuing a friendly divorce. This is to be expected. You are dealing with your financial future, your future as a parent, and are going to have a life you expected to be much different than it is. It is a lot to get used to. Even in mediation, things can get very tense with the parties, however, it is most often much less tension than the alternative.

6. Use the BIFF Method for communication: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm

You and your ex-spouse are going to have to deal with each other and mastering respectful and assertive communication will bring you a long way.

7. Be like Gandhi

If you can, be kind to your ex-spouse. If you can, have compassion for your ex-spouse. Be fair. Be respectful. Admit your mistakes even if just to yourself. Engage in a forgiveness practice. Think win-win. Just yesterday, one of our lawyers, originally from Maple Ridge, B.C., was having a big argument with a young lawyer. The young lawyer, she felt, had a bad attitude and was very wrong about how he was drafting an order, but insisted he was right. At first, our Pathway Legal lawyer got very upset, and then decided to direct compassion towards him. They settled the matter. It was more important for her to show compassion than it was for her to prove she was right. This helped her client. (update:  she is still working on feeling compassionate because transparently, she still does not like him! haha)

8. If you have kids...

Never lose sight that the other party is half of who your kids are.

9. If you accidentally hire a lawyer who is a combative jerk, get rid of them, fast.

Martha is not getting rid of her lawyer, and the proceedings are becoming protracted and expensive, not to mention stressful, for both Martha and Jason. 

10. Stay focused on the goal of a brighter future

Your future is closer than you think. Even though you might be knee-deep in stress at the moment, a friendly divorce will get you to the goal of a better future sooner rather than later. The more you focus upon what that future looks like, the better.

Jason is focusing on his future, while Martha is not. She is focused on the past and is hanging on to blaming Jason for her unhappiness while refusing to take any responsibility for her actions. Jason has long since given up hope of having a friendly divorce. 

We would continue talking about this, but we have to get back to the situation regarding Martha and Jason and apply for that restraining order ...

 

Ask Journey
Ask Journey
Separating on Good Terms in BC
Journey, the Pathway Legal mascot dog

Journey is our beacon of hope and care, and she hears the questions families are almost too nervous to ask out loud. Here are the ones that come up most often when two people are separating on good terms and want to keep it that way.

We agree on everything. Can we use the same lawyer and split the cost?

No. One lawyer cannot act for both of you, however amicable you are. Your interests are capable of diverging on any given point, and a lawyer who acts for both has no way to advise either of you properly. It is a conflict of interest, and the Law Society treats it seriously.

There is a legitimate way to keep the cost down. One lawyer drafts the separation agreement, and the other person takes it to their own lawyer for independent legal advice. That is two lawyers, and it is considerably less expensive than two lawyers negotiating from scratch.

Ask about this arrangement directly. It is common, and it is well suited to couples who have already agreed on the substance.

Will bringing in lawyers wreck how well we are getting along?

It should not, and the fear is understandable given what people hear about family law.

The lawyers who work this way are not looking for a fight. Their job on a cooperative separation is to make sure each of you understands what you are signing, to catch what you have overlooked, and to put your agreement into language that holds up.

Tell your lawyer at the first meeting that keeping the relationship intact matters to you. It shapes how the whole matter is handled, and any lawyer worth hiring will work with that rather than against it.

If we already agree, do we really need to exchange all the financial documents?

Yes, and this is where friendly separations most often go wrong years later.

The duty to provide full and complete disclosure under the Family Law Act applies whether you are in court or working it out over coffee. More practically, an agreement reached without proper disclosure is the kind a court can set aside, which undoes the whole thing.

Doing the disclosure properly is what makes your agreement durable. It is the difference between an agreement and a conversation you both wrote down.

How do I know I am being fair to myself rather than keeping the peace?

This is worth sitting with, because the answer is not always obvious from the inside. Some of the most one-sided agreements we see were made between people who genuinely liked each other.

Signs worth noticing: you are agreeing quickly to avoid a difficult conversation, you do not know what you are entitled to and have not asked, you are the one giving way each time, or you feel relief rather than satisfaction when something is settled.

A court can set aside an agreement where one person took improper advantage of the other's vulnerability, ignorance, need, or distress. That exists because this happens. Find out what the law would give you before you agree to less, and then decide with your eyes open.

We agreed she would give up child support in exchange for the house. Can we do that?

No. Child support belongs to the child rather than to either parent, so it cannot be waived or traded away. A clause that tries will not bind a court, and the obligation can be raised again later.

That matters even in the friendliest arrangement, because a deal built on a clause that does not hold is a deal that can come apart.

There is room to be creative about property, spousal support, and how expenses are shared. Child support is the one piece that has to be dealt with on its own terms.

Do we even need a separation agreement if we own almost nothing?

Sometimes no. Where there are no children, no property, no pension, no debt, and no support question, there may be very little to document.

The moment there is a pension, a home, a business interest, or a child, the picture changes. Those are the situations where an undocumented understanding turns into an expensive disagreement three years on.

A short conversation will tell you which category you are in, and it costs far less than guessing wrong.

Does friendly mean fast and cheap?

Cheaper, reliably. A cooperative separation where you reach agreement between yourselves and lawyers draft it and provide independent legal advice typically runs $3,000 to $10,000, against $7,000 to $20,000 where lawyers are negotiating or mediating for you.

Faster, mostly. A separation agreement can be signed as soon as the disclosure is gathered and the terms are settled. The divorce order is a separate step and usually requires a year of separation first, so being amicable does not shorten that part.

A simple uncontested divorce is typically around $3,500 in legal fees. Agreement first, divorce order after, and they are two different pieces of work.

We separated a while ago and never formalized anything. Is there any risk in leaving it?

There is, and it surprises amicable couples more than anyone. Property and spousal support claims under the Family Law Act run on a two-year clock: two years from the divorce or annulment for married spouses, and two years from the date of separation for unmarried spouses.

Common-law couples are the ones most often caught. Two years passes quickly when nothing is going wrong and neither of you feels any urgency.

If it has been a while, get advice on where the clock stands before doing anything else.

What if it stops being friendly partway through?

It happens, and it is not a failure. Separation surfaces things neither of you expected, and a difficult month does not undo the goodwill behind the decision to do this well.

The work you have already done carries over. Disclosure gathered cooperatively is still disclosure, and terms already agreed are still agreed. What changes is the process, and mediation or four-way meetings can pick up from where you stalled.

Court remains the last resort. Most couples who hit a rough patch partway through still reach a final separation agreement without a judge deciding anything.

This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Family law is fact-specific and the law changes. Reading this does not create a lawyer-client relationship with Pathway Legal. For advice about your situation, consult a qualified BC family law lawyer.