Looking after yourself while you are in it

This is the article that came last for a reason. The others walk you through the law, the tools, the strategy. This one is about the person doing all the carrying. You. The parent answering the texts, sitting through the hearings, holding the kids steady, going to work the next morning. The person nobody else is checking on.

High-conflict family law is exhausting in a way that is hard to describe to people who have not lived it. It is not just stressful. It is a years-long, low-grade emergency that asks you to make consequential decisions while you are running on no sleep. The lawyers and the courts focus on your case. This article is about the person carrying the case. We help BC families through these matters every day, from our offices in Victoria, Nanaimo, Vancouver, and Surrey, and by video across the province, and we have watched many people find their footing. The patterns are recognizable. The work is doable. You are not alone in this.

First, know what is actually happening to your body

When you are in a long conflict, your nervous system stops behaving like a person reading a difficult book and starts behaving like a person being chased. The phone buzz triggers a small adrenaline spike. The handover triggers a bigger one. The court date triggers a flood. Your body keeps the score, as the saying goes, and over time the costs add up: poor sleep, digestive issues, headaches, brain fog, weight changes, an immune system that is letting more through, a sense of constantly being on the edge of tears or rage.

This is not you being weak, and it is not character failure. It is what sustained stress does to a healthy body. Naming it changes what you do about it. You are not lazy or broken. You are depleted, and depletion has solutions.

The foundation: sleep, food, movement, sunlight

These four sound generic. They are not. They are the actual ground floor that everything else stands on. When they slip, everything gets harder. When they hold, everything gets a little easier.

• Sleep. Aim for a consistent schedule, even if you cannot always hit it. Phone out of the bedroom helps more than people expect. If insomnia is a problem, talk to your doctor. There are things that help.
• Food. Skipping meals during stress is common and makes everything worse. Even a small, regular intake of something with protein keeps your mood and energy from collapsing through the day.
• Movement. Not a fitness program. A daily walk. Twenty minutes outside changes brain chemistry. Stress hormones drop. Sleep improves. The court application feels survivable.
• Sunlight. Especially in a BC winter. Get outside in daylight when you can. Vitamin D supplementation in the colder months is worth asking your doctor about.

None of this is glamorous. All of it is foundational. If you read nothing else in this article, give yourself permission to protect these four.

Boundaries with the phone

In a high-conflict file, your phone is a delivery system for stress. The hostile texts, the inflammatory emails, the calls from your lawyer with bad news, the late-night messages from your co-parent designed to ruin your evening. You cannot eliminate the messages. You can change your relationship to checking them.

• Set specific times to check messages from your co-parent or your lawyer. Many of our clients do morning and evening only. The world will not end if a co-parenting app message goes unread for four hours.
• Use the do-not-disturb function aggressively. You can usually allow calls from your children, your kids’ school, and a small list of safe people through, while blocking everything else.
• Move the inflammatory apps off your home screen. The friction of having to search for them reduces compulsive checking.
• Do not check messages before sleep. Whatever the message says will say the same thing in the morning, and you will be better equipped to handle it after rest.
• Consider the OurFamilyWizard “ToneMeter” and similar features that flag hostile messages. Some clients find it easier to read warned messages than to be ambushed.

Build your team

Trying to carry this alone is the most common mistake we see, and the most damaging. Build a team. They do not all have to be professionals.

Your inner circle

Two to four people who get it. Friends, family, or community members you can call when the wheels come off. They do not need to give legal advice. They need to pick up the phone and let you exhale. Choose people who can listen without immediately trying to fix it, and who can keep your confidence.

A counsellor or therapist

Almost everyone going through a high-conflict family matter benefits from professional mental health support. This is not a comment on your strength. It is a comment on the load. A good counsellor gives you a place to think out loud, work through grief and rage, and learn skills for managing your nervous system. BC has Registered Clinical Counsellors and Registered Social Workers across the province; many offer sliding-scale rates or work with BC’s extended health plans.

Your doctor

Tell your doctor what is happening. Family law conflict has documented impacts on physical and mental health, and your doctor needs the context to support you well. Mention sleep, appetite, mood, and any physical symptoms. There may be short-term medical support that helps.

Specialty supports if they fit

• If addiction is part of your or your co-parent’s picture, BC Bounce-Back, SMART Recovery BC, and your family doctor can connect you to resources.
• If family violence is part of your picture, VictimLink BC (1-800-563-0808) and the BC Society of Transition Houses (bcsth.ca) connect you with services across the province.
• If finances are tight, ask about low-cost counselling through Crisis Centre BC, your municipality, your church or faith community, or community mental health teams.
• Family law support groups (in person or online) can be valuable. Choose moderated, reputable groups. Some online groups deepen the rumination instead of helping.

What to do with the rage

People in high-conflict separations often describe a level of anger they have never experienced before. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a reasonable response to a sustained injustice or threat. The challenge is that anger has nowhere to go inside the legal system. The court will not let you express it. Your lawyer wants you steady. Your kids cannot be on the receiving end. So it sits inside you.

Anger that is not metabolized turns into illness, depression, or behaviour you will regret later. A few things that help:

• Physical movement. Walking, running, swimming, lifting. The body needs to discharge.
• Writing it out and not sending it. Open a document, say everything, save it nowhere your co-parent can ever find it. Often the document never goes anywhere. The point is the release.
• Talking it out with someone qualified. Counsellors handle anger well; friends sometimes find it harder.
• Choosing what to do with it strategically. Some of that anger can fuel patient, disciplined documentation and a long-game legal strategy. The transformation is from raw energy to focused action.

Protect your work life

People underestimate the impact of family law conflict on work, until they lose income or a job over it. A few practical moves:

• Tell one trusted person at work, if you can. Not every detail. Just enough that someone understands if you are quiet or distracted, or if you need to take a court day.
• Block off court dates and important meetings well in advance. Treat them like medical appointments.
• Keep your case off your work phone and email. Use a separate personal address for legal communication. Anything you write on a work account can be seen by your employer and is harder to control.
• If your workplace has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), use it. Many include free short-term counselling sessions.
• If your work is significantly affected, talk to your lawyer. The impact of the conflict on your livelihood may be relevant to the file.

Money and the long game

Legal fees, lost work, household upheaval, and the cost of two homes instead of one can quietly devastate your financial picture during a high-conflict separation. The financial side is rarely discussed alongside the emotional one, and it should be. Money stress compounds everything else.

• Build a basic monthly budget for this phase of your life. Even a rough one. Knowing where you stand reduces background anxiety.
• Talk to your lawyer honestly about cost. We are direct about ranges from the first meeting, and we bill weekly so you always know where you stand. Surprise invoices make a hard situation harder. Ask for what you need to know.
• Pull on community resources where you can. BC has good no-cost and low-cost supports for many parts of life, from counselling to legal information.
• Do not make major financial decisions while you are at your lowest. If you can defer, defer. If you cannot, talk it through with someone steady before you act.

Look after the parent-child relationship

When you are depleted, parenting suffers. You snap more, listen less, and have less left for the small daily moments that build a child’s sense of safety. Your kids do not need a perfect parent. They need a present, steady one. Some of the most valuable self-care you can do for yourself is also the most valuable parenting you can do for them.

• Protect at least one daily moment that is just about being together. The walk home, dinner, the ten minutes before bed. Phones away. Not a lecture about the situation. Just being in the same room.
• Keep your worry off the kids as much as you can. They will pick up some of it no matter what. Reducing what they carry directly is one of the most loving things you can do.
• Apologize when you have a rough day. Repair matters more than performance. Kids who watch a parent recover from a mistake learn something important about being human.
• Make space for them to love their other parent, even if that costs you. This is hard, and it is one of the most protective things for children in a high-conflict separation.

What helps in the day-to-day

Small, repeatable things matter more than big resolutions. The clients who do best in long high-conflict files tend to have a handful of small rituals they hold onto.

• Morning routine that does not start with the phone. Even five minutes of coffee and quiet before the day starts changes the whole arc.
• A wind-down ritual at night. Reading a few pages of something not related to your case. A hot shower. Anything that signals to your nervous system that the day is ending.
• One physical activity a day. Walk, stretch, swim, garden. Anything that gets the body moving.
• One social connection a day. A text, a call, a coffee with a neighbour, anything that breaks isolation.
• One thing that is not about the case. A book, a show, a hobby, a creative project, an animal to look after. Your identity needs places to live that have nothing to do with the conflict.

Watch for warning signs

Some signs of strain are worth taking seriously rather than pushing through. If any of these are appearing in your life right now, please reach out for support.

• Sleep is gone, or you are sleeping but not feeling rested.
• You are using alcohol or substances more often, or to take the edge off.
• Food is unmanageable, in either direction.
• You are isolating from the people who used to support you.
• You cannot enjoy anything, including things you used to love.
• You are having thoughts of harming yourself or feeling like the world would be better without you.

Any of the above is your nervous system telling you it needs help. Talk to your doctor. Call 9-8-8. Reach out to a counsellor. There are options, and you do not have to figure out which one alone.

The longer view

This phase of your life is not your whole life. Even very high-conflict family law matters eventually move into a quieter phase: court applications get answered, schedules become routine, the children grow into their own lives, and the relentless attention you have to pay to your former partner slowly, slowly fades.

Many of our clients tell us, two or three years out, that they cannot quite believe they were ever the person they were in the middle of it. You will not always feel the way you feel right now. The work you do to look after yourself in this phase is part of the bridge to the next one.

How Pathway Legal supports the human, not just the file

Our approach is built on the same P.A.T.H. method we use across the firm: Practical, Action-Oriented, Trustworthy, and Heart-Centred.

• Practical. We know your bandwidth is limited. We do not pile on tasks. We give you what is actually needed, and we handle the rest.
• Action-Oriented. We keep things moving so the file does not become a permanent background drain. Stuck files take a real toll.
• Trustworthy. You know what is happening with your case, what is coming up, and what your real options are. Uncertainty is one of the worst stressors. We reduce it.
• Heart-Centred. We see the person, not just the file. We refer to counsellors and supports when that fits. We notice when you are running on empty. We hold the legal load so you can rebuild the rest.

Pathway Legal Law Corporation, Family Law Lawyers. All rights reserved Val Hemminger

Your Privacy  Sitemap  Contact Us  Legal Disclaimer  SMS T&C's

Copyright © [2020] –

It is with our honour and gratitude that we live, work, and play on the traditional territory of the Coast Salish peoples–Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish), Stó:lō and Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh) and xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam) Nations.